Dear God,

I feel like I can't really get close to you lately. I am enjoying church more and I thank you for that. I thank you for the opportunity to help with the kids and it is something that I enjoy doing. I feel like I am not really getting the chance to experience you though. Watching the passion of the christ was a really good experience and helped me see what Jesus went through but I can't hold on to experiences like that. I know that I need to experience you everyday in my life yet I feel like I don't know how. I feel like lately I can't connect with you.I know that things are so much better when I completely let you control my life but right now I feel like I can't get to that place. I am not sure particularly what is keeping me from getting there. I don't know what is stopping me. I feel like I could at least try to do something if I knew but I don't. I guess I'm kinda blocking myself from that too though. I am not letting myself think. I am managing to survive by constantly keeping myself busy and not letting myself have the time to think. I guess it's just another one of many survival methods. I hate the fact that I have to fight everyday to survive and I hate the fact that I can't really have a real life but I don't really know any different. I feel like there can't be anything different. My life has been so much about survival. Right now this method is working. I am not necessarily happy with my life but I am surviving. It's not absolute hell. I manage to get through everyday and though I get extremely exhausted I have learned to deal with it. I feel like if I let myself really have the time to face reality that things will get worse. My reality really isn't the greatest thing and I guess I have been kinda keeping myself from facing it. I guess that's kinda how I came to you and got baptized. I reached about as low as I could go. I reached the point that I want absolutely nothing other than to just die and yet I didn't really know how to do it. I couldn't really survive anymore. I had absolutely no where else to turn so I turned to you God and you helped me. I know that I should turn to you now but I guess I have this part of me that doesn't want to. I have worked so hard to be independant. I have promised myself so many times that I wouldn't depend on anybody. Especially after this whole thing with the teacher I promised myself that I would survive on my own. It's like in a way I am so sick of just having to survive and I want to be able to actually have a life but in a way I feel like I am actually managing to make it so I shouldn't risk screwing it up. I guess I'm kinda stupid in that way. I turned to you most when I had no where else to go. Now I am surviving on my own and even though I know that I desperately need you I feel like I don't really want to turn to you. As I sit here I feel like someday in the future I will stop and think about it and turn to you but I feel like I don't have the time for it now. I know that I should now. I know that you will make my life better but it almost seems as just logic. Faith isn't based on logic though. I can analyze things endlessly and it isn't going to make sense because that is why it is faith. God, help me. I don't know how to get from point A to point B. I don't know how to overcome this stuff. I need you help. Help me through this. God, also please just help me get to sleep tonight. I really need the rest. Help me have a good day tomorrow. God, be there in my life. Help me through this. Thank you God.

                                         -Cat